Meeting Myself Where I Am
Recently, I finally mustered the courage to get back on the trail on my mountain bike. In October 2024, I experienced a hard fall. I landed on my left shoulder but did not hit my head. Later that evening, I experienced an ocular migraine, and I have been experiencing vision and mental challenges ever since. Because I didn’t hit my head, it really didn’t occur to me that I experienced a concussion, so it was months of battling before I even recognized how I should be caring for myself differently.
Although my symptoms have improved, I’m still navigating ongoing challenges with sleep, panic attacks, brain fog, challenges with concentration and focus, among other things. The more surprising and impactful realization is how this has challenged the identities I hold so strongly. What am I without my intellect? What does it mean for me to be a “healthy” person if I am not getting the same quality sleep as I used to? How can I remain independent when driving can be challenging? What does it mean for me to be an active and adventurous person if my balance is off and I’m full of fear?
What I didn’t expect was how much fear I feel when these expectations I’ve created for myself are challenged and not easily accessible. I didn’t even realize that I’d developed such an attachment to these identities until they were no longer readily accessible. I’m reconciling with who I will allow myself to be with these new challenges. I’m recognizing that I have to choose who I am going to be now with this new awareness.
Sometimes, it has been easy for me to spiral into despair and forget all the tools and resources that I have available to me, but being the curious, discerning, and persistent person I am (three more identities there!) I am staying open and reminding myself that it doesn’t have to mean that things are going to stay this way forever, and if they do, I can adapt and respond to the situation thoughtfully. Leaning into and feeling the discomfort, letting go of expectations, and using generative questions have all helped me remember that who I am is always evolving. It’s okay to let go, to adapt, to meet myself where I am. This doesn’t mean I’ve failed myself. It means that I am caring for myself and honoring all that makes me human.
I'm still learning, adapting, and actively practicing self-compassion and forgiveness. And I'm finding that the more I am willing to meet myself exactly where I am, with all the discomfort, the fear, and the uncertainty, the more open and compassionate I can be, not just with myself, but with others navigating their own identity shifts and losses.
If you're in a season of letting go, of questioning who you thought you were, of reconciling with a self that no longer fits your old expectations, you're not alone. And you're not failing. You're human.
